And I raaaaaaaaaan.....

I ran so far aaaawwwwwaaaaayayayayyy. Heh. Not really, it was more like almost 2 miles. 1.9ish to be exact, at least according to the little app on my phone I dl'ed a few minutes in when I got smart. First time that I've ran in almost 5 years. I don't mean like ran to the fridge to get a beer, or ran to the bathroom at 2 AM after the bar. I mean I RAN. I ran just to run, to remember what it felt like, to remember the sound of my own heart beating in my ears. It definitely did that. Beat pretty damn hard for a spell. Yes, I said spell, its my "have watched movies with Southern people in them" hospitality. Beat so hard I wasn't sure I'd make it. Then it all came back....the controlling the breathing, the rhythm of the strides...all of it. And it was pretty damn awesome. Don't get me wrong, it was pure agony for most of the time, but damnit, it was the best kind of agony. The "I know how good this is for me" kind. In a way, I think it was a transformation for me. It felt like a passing of the torch (cue Olympic theme) from SmokerCasey to NonsmokerCasey. I'm sure tomorrow it's gonna feel like something entirely different when I stand up out of bed, but ya know what? I can't wait......

What dreams may come.....

I had always read articles about Chantix that talked about how it can give you vivid dreams, nightmares and "potential suicidal behavior or thoughts", but chalked that up to the 1% that I'm never a member of. Obviously, I'm not sure if 1% is the accurate number, but you get my point. I never experience side effects. None. Well, ok maybe one once but that wasn't that big of a deal. So almost none. Anyhoo, day 5 rolled around and I was knee deep in the process of becoming a non smoker. Day went normal as any did, nothing to indicate that my mood was being affected at all. I hardly smoked, which was a good sign. Then I went to bed. Guess what I did for the first time that I could remember in a very long time? No, not that ya pervs. I had a dream. Not the kind of dream where my children will live in a nation where they won't be judged by the color of their skin, but the kind that made me go.....uh, ok? I only remembered bits and pieces of this one, which was odd enough. Without a whole lot of detail it went like this: I was married to the girl that was the odd ball in high school, we lived in a little two bedroom house, we had a Mexican butler (not a Mexican stand-off, heh) and I received text message throughout the day from a Hello Kitty wristwatch. Yup, I told ya, strange shit. Wait, side note. This wasn't any ol' Mexican butler. This was the dude from the movie Constantine. You know, the little wiry Mexican guy that becomes possessed when he finds the Spear of Destiny. Imagine how odd it is asking someone to make you a sandwich and he spreads the PB&J with the spear that killed Jesus.....

So pretty odd, yeah? I thought so too, but I chalked it up to just a weird coincidence. No dreams on Saturday, night 6, so it must have just been one of those rare times when I can actually remember a dream. Those of you that know me wouldn't be surprised to learn that I was wrong. Had another on Sunday night, not as odd as the first, but still with a little dash of "did that really just happen?" thrown in for good measure. Ok, I figured, hell with it, might as well get used to the idea of having some strange dreams. If this were a play, I'd totally be throwing the cue for Monday to enter here.....

Then along comes Monday. Wait. Quick back story, I don't sleep a ton. Most nights its only about 5 or 6 hours. Remember that part, it's gonna be important in a few minutes. Okay, enough of the digression. So here it is Monday, my first day smoke free. Also my first day where my dosage of Chantix, which includes the previous post mentioned mind altering pharmaceuticals, increases two-fold. It wasn't a bad day, as far as the non-smoking goes. I didn't have the usual crankiness, the anxiety, the usual withdrawal symptoms. Turns out I'd have something much, muuuuuch different that day. I had the third dream in four days. Most of the time, I'm lucky if I can remember 3 dreams in a year, let alone in 4 days. Except this one was different. It went on for 5 hours. Yup, 5 hours. Well, seemed like it at least, pretty sure it did. I only slept for about 5 and a half that night. I'd wake up at certain points in the dream, which of course I'd end up looking at the clock to see how long I had left to sleep, so I'm pretty sure it was an all-nighter. You ever have a dream that goes on all night? It's a mind fuck. Period. I can't think of any other way to put it. I woke up and I swear to you, it was like still being asleep. Stayed that way for a few hours. Things just kinda seem.....off. When sleep and awake and dreams and not dreaming run together like they did last night for me, man, it made the morning odd.

So, here I am, 8 days and 3 dreams deep. Which is fine, as long as they don't get too extreme, I can deal. I haven't smoked in 2 days, so I'm quite happy with that. That's so far the longest I've gone totally smoke free when quitting. I've always snuck one or two before when I've tried quitting prior to this, thinking it wasn't that big of a deal. Now that I haven't had ANY in 2 days, I know how big of a deal those were. Now I'm on the precipice of night 9, wondering what's gonna be in store. Come back in a few days and I'll fill ya in. Feel free to leave any kind of guesses or dream requests in the comments, I'll gladly do what I can....

Strange days are coming......

So, not so long ago, I decided it was time to quit smoking. 18 years of wear and tear on my respiratory system had finally clicked on the 60 watt in my head. I couldn't even make it up a flight of stairs at full tilt anymore without feeling as if my heart were about to leap out of my chest and die a slow twitching death in the nearest corner. I tried quite a few times, using quite a few methods, all to no avail. I tried cold turkey. Want to know why they call it cold turkey? Me too, because they should call it "hey just try it this way, the only possible way to torment yourself until you feel like sucking out your own eyeballs with a straw". Needless to say, didn't work. Then I tried the patch. That was a little step in the right direction, which also included a pretty wicked rash where the patch was applied. It did help cut down on the cravings, but I'm pretty sure that was a direct result of how distracted I was by the itch on my arm. Then, I got ballsy. I figured fuck it, no balls, no babies. I made an appointment with my doctor for Chantix. I'm not gonna say that they give this stuff out to people as if it were candy......but it was pretty damn easy to get the little "here's your key to freedom" prescription pad signed. He actually had it filled out and signed when he walked into the room. Seriously. So after a few questions that I'm pretty sure someone with the IQ of a pack of Marlboro Red Special Blends could answer(why do you want to quit smoking? really? duh), away I went to pick up my starter pack.

Here's a little foray into the knowledge woods real quick kids. Chantix works like this, in the simplest of terms. It blocks chemical receptors in your brain from being able to trigger the release of dopamine into your system from nicotine. Simply put, smoking doesn't really do shit for ya anymore other than make ya wonder why the hell you're doing it. The drug slowly builds up in your system and gradually reduces the effects of nicotine as it does. By day four of the first week, the one in which I could still smoke while the drug ramps itself up to full throttle down the highway of my head, I was only smoking half a cigarette at a time. Those of you know me know how good that is.

At the dawn of a new age I found myself, after so many years and attempts at quitting. I actually began to feel extremely confident of the journey I was about to start on. I was happy. Ecstatic would probably be a more apt description. I was 4 days into hopefully the final, successful method that would make me nicotine free.....then things started to get a little strange.....