Monday, July 26, 2010

The prodigal son....

So, I spent a few hours in the place of my birth this past weekend. I'm not gonna lie, it was weird for me. Ya see, I don't have what you would call a "normal" relationship with my family. The farther apart we get, the better off things seem to be. Don't get me wrong, i wasn't abused as a child, or locked in a closet for days, or chained to a radiator or anything. Well, there was a cement block story once but that's besides the point. Anyhoo, I have one family member left that I'm tight with, my cousin. Actually, he's more like a brother than he is a cousin, largely due to the fact that we grew up next door to each other basically and we're both such the black sheep of our family that we should have sheep based nicknames. The whole point of the trip up there was to hang out with him for the night, which is something we don't get to do nearly often enough, as well as get together with someone that I hadn't seen in forever. Again, I digress. Back to the point here yeah? There have been a ton of things in my life that have drastically altered the course its taken, all of which have taken place in that sleepy little town and its immediate surroundings. Twice in my life I moved extremely far away, both times finding places that would allow me to....just be. Twice in my life I've been compelled to return home, home is home after all ya know. Both times, holes have been patched, seams have been mended, wrongs righted. Both times things have gone swimmingly for a while then they just kinda fall apart. The glue that holds my family to myself seems to be of the Elmers kind, weak even at it's strongest. I used to beat myself up about that pretty good back in the young and dumb years. Know what I've realized lately? It's just not worth it. This is where you can insert any kind of cliche that you may find acceptable. It takes two to tango. Its a two way street. Any relationship is a two way street. I tried. Finally, after many years of failure and many years of holding things together, tenuously at best, I became okay with things not being the classic example of a nuclear family. Now I've become comfortable with doing my own thing and letting go of the guilt I've carried for things always seeming to zero bend before the break. Which is why I couldn't understand why the trip was weird for me. Maybe it was middle age setting in and the realization that things I used to enjoy just aren't the same anymore. Maybe it was the fact that I'd been living elsewhere for so long that it wasn't "home" anymore. Regardless, things have obviously changed for me. Whether or not they have changed for the better remains to be seen. I'm just glad that the status quo has changed and I no longer feel stagnant in things. Here's to moving on....and Great White hopefully calling it a career soon.

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